Gaining Perspective
by Kizmet
Summary: A New Beginning 3: Members of both the Sunnydale and LA gang make a return trip to Pylea, to find Angel after Fred abducts him.
1. Away

gaining

**Away**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

As the elevator doors slid closed Fred darted through. "Hi Angel," she said nervously. 

"Fred," he replied distantly, but Fred detected a trace of affection in his eyes and nervousness in his stance, nothing was made sense between them anymore, but she was going to fix that. 

Fred mumbled something under her breath her voice too quiet for even Angel's hearing to make out what she'd said. 

"What was…" he started to ask when the elevator lurched violently and began to fall. 

Angel grabbed Fred and braced himself in one corner, his fingers denting the handrail as he readied himself for impact. 

When it came, it was softer than Angel would have expected. 

Cautiously he forced the elevator door open and looked out at the pastoral landscape. Angel glanced up at the sky, noted the dual suns then hesitantly stretched out a hand from the protective shade provided by the elevator's bulk. When nothing happened he turned back to stare down at Fred. She smiled back at him. 

"Fred?" he asked in a very quiet, controlled, voice. "You wouldn't happen to know why we're back in Pylea, would you?" 

Fred shrugged dismissively. "Wanna go out in the sun?" she asked taking his hand. 

"No," Angel said, taking back his hand. "I wanna go back to LA." 

"You aren't happy there," Fred objected. 

"I wasn't happy here either," Angel pointed out. 

"But you could be," Fred said. "No friends to hurt you this time, just me," The way Fred pronounce the word friends it sounded like it had three fewer letters. 

"Fred, send us back to LA," Angel ordered. 

"Can't," Fred shrugged. 

"Why can't you?" Angel demanded. 

"The elevator cage won't move," Fred pointed out logically, gesturing to the limp cables hanging from its roof. 

"And this is a problem because?" Angel pressed. 

"Because we would need to be inside a moving metal object to get back safe," Fred explained. "Plus no books, can't control where the portal appears without books." 

"How did you make the portal appear right where you wanted it in the Hotel without the books?" Angel asked suspisously. 

Without answering Fred stepped past Angel into the sunlight. "Feels nice here," she said. "Don't you want to be in the sun for a while?" 

Reluctantly Angel joined her. "We'll find a cart or something, line it with metal and roll it down a hill. Then you can send us back." 

Fred didn't bother to answer. 

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	2. A Hint

gaining

**A Hint**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

Cordelia held out her hand and without a word Wesley dropped several aspirin into it then offered her a glass of water. 

"Vampire, chasing some guy, the alley behind Squirrels'" she reported. 

Gunn immediately grabbed up a crossbow and headed for the door. "I'm calling Angel first. Whoever's closer should take this one," Wesley said, holding up a hand to forestall Gunn. A few moments later he hung up the phone frowning. "He's out of range, Angel should really let us know before he goes so far afield." 

"Guess that makes this our fight, English." Gunn said tossing Wesley the crossbow and a few stakes before grabbing up his sword. 

"Right, of course," Wesley replied. "Cordelia, when you're feeling better contact Angel, find out where he's gotten to." 

As Gunn drove toward the bar featured in Cordelia's vision Wesley sighed. "I don't know what to do about Angel. He shouldn't just take off like that." 

"He doesn't like hanging around waiting for the next client," Gunn said. "I can understand that. This is the first time we haven't been able to get him when we tried; maybe he was underground. Isn't like we need him to deal with a vamp on the prowl." 

"It isn't healthy," Wesley responded. "Angel's exhausting himself with these endless patrols. He could be dangerously off his game when we get a real case." 

"He ain't trying to be one of the gang anymore and it bothers you," Gunn said. "Plus you're feeling like it's your fault. Course if he's right, it's all for the best." 

"What I said was said in anger," Wesley sighed. "I never meant for Angel to take it so seriously." 

"Still, if it's truth…" Gunn pressed. 

"Let's just deal with the case," Wesley said, ending the discussion. 

After they got back to the Hyperion Wesley asked. "Where was Angel?" 

"I still can't get a hold of him," Cordelia worried. 

"Probably nothing to concern ourselves with," Wesley said. "You know how Angel is with cell phones. I'll wait up and catch him when he comes in in the morning." 

_____________________________________________________________________________ 

"We'll go talk to the Grooselog." Angel decided. "He's running the place; he should be able to get us what we need." 

"You mean the guy who attacked you the last time you tried to talk with him?" Fred asked doubtfully. 

"Oh… right," Angel sighed. "Maybe Lorne's family… Except they may still want to behead you." 

"And the rebels probably don't exist anymore," Fred added helpfully. 

"Maybe we could find Landoc," Angel said, thinking out loud as they walked. "Away from his family I think I could reason with him." 

They reached the crest of the rise and stood there, staring into the next valley in shock. Dead bodies, human and other, littered the ground, rotting where they lay. 

"Battlefield," Angel commented. "I think we should lay low, at least until we know what's happening here." 

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	3. Outside Influence

gaining

**Outside Influence**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

"Willow, Xander and…" Wesley said in surprise, then trailed off. 

"And Spike" Cordelia supplied glaring daggers at the blond. 

"This is a surprise," Wesley continued. "What brings you to LA?" 

"We thought you guys could use a hand finding Angel," Willow said. "I've got this great tracking spell I've been dying to try out." 

"I'm just along for the ride," Spike announced. "Be a good host and tell me where Angel keeps the blood." 

"We don't want you here so I don't have to be a good host," Cordelia shot back. 

"Sure, just leave the vampire hungry, now that's a plan," Spike replied. 

"Fine, it's in the kitchen, that way," Cordelia said pointing. 

"We're quite capable of taking care of things ourselves," Wesley began only to be interrupted by Cordelia. 

"Fred's missing too," she said. "They've been gone at least a week, maybe longer. We filed a missing persons on Fred. If Angel's gone nuts again or something we didn't want to send police after him." 

"You didn't have to come," Wesley said. "We just called to be sure Angel wasn't simply visiting Buffy's grave." 

"Buffy wanted us to come," Willow replied. "I mean… would have wanted us to come." 

"And we appreciate the help." Cordelia said. "Don't we Wes? We haven't found a trace of either of them." 

"Well I need a person object for the spell," Willow said. 

"Upstairs," Cordelia replied leading the way toward the stairs. "Both Fred and Angel have rooms on the second floor. The elevator's broken, we're waiting for the next paying client to look into repairs." 

"I'll take a look at it," Xander volunteered. "Gives me something to do while Wills is doing the bibity-bobity-boo bit." 

"Thanks," Cordelia replied. 

Once the girls got up to Angel's room, Cordelia asked, "What sort of thing are you looking for?" 

"Something that's his, that has meaning to him," Willow explained. "I'll know it when I see it. Things get an aura if people infer them with meaning." 

As Willow wandered around the room, picking up and discarding various items, she asked. "You said Angel might have been gone for longer than a week? How much longer could he have been gone?" 

"Maybe another six days, no longer than that," Cordelia said. 

Willow spun around to stare at her former classmate. "Angel could have been missing for a week before you guys noticed? How the hell could you not notice, it's not like we're talking about a spare set of keys here!" 

To Willow's surprise Cordelia sank into the big leather armchair and pulled her knees up to her chest. "We screwed up. Fred's wanted to see us in pieces since before Angel's last trip to Sunnydale and Angel's a mess. He won't talk to us or even stay in the same building unless it's case related. He's working himself to death, Willow. It's our fault, we freaked and things got all out of hand," Cordelia's vice shook as tears began trickling down her cheeks. "I'm scared that he's already dead, maybe Fred too and it's our fault. It's all our fault." 

Xander stuck his head in the door. "I know what's wrong with the elevator," he announced. 

"Not now," Willow hissed. 

"I think it's relevant," Xander insisted. 

"How?" Willow asked. 

"Well, it's gone," Xander explained. "What you've got is an empty shaft and some dangling cables but the actual elevator is gone. Vanished into thin air." 

"Which is definitely an occurrence of the weird," Willow said. "When did it breakdown?" 

"A week and a half ago," Cordelia answered sniffling. 

"That's within the right window of time," Willow said. "I think we need to find that elevator. 

_____________________________________________________________________________ 

"Fred, you really can't take us back?" Angel asked. 

"No," Fred replied. 

"Okay, we've got a real problem. I thought, maybe I wouldn't need blood here," Angel began. "I'm so much more human, I thought your kind of food would be enough. It's not." 

"Okay, you need blood," Fred said matter of a factly. 

"You don't understand; I've waited too long, even if I could managed to catch and kill some sort of animal in this form, I'll change when I taste blood. I won't be able to help it," Angel explained nervously. 

"Then you'll change back afterwards," Fred replied easily. 

Angel grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. "I can't control that thing. I could hurt someone; I might hurt you! Don't you get that?" 

"You didn't hurt the Grooselog because you chose not to," Fred replied. "You won't hurt anyone. You'd never hurt me." 

"How can you believe that?" Angel demanded. 

"Why shouldn't I?" Fred asked. "You're you, you won't hurt me." 

Angel stared down at Fred, marveling in her faith in him. "You're crazy, you know that don't you?" he murmured pulling her close. "And I love you for it." 

Fred beamed up at Angel. 

He bent his head to brush his lips across hers. "I love you," he rephrased. 

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	4. Protecting

gaining

**Protecting**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

"Residual energies in the elevator shaft suggest a portal, like those we employed in traveling to and from Pylea, was opened there," Wesley reported. 

"So we've got a hot spot in the Hotel? Now that's just what we need," Gunn complained. 

"Not naturally," Willow said. "It looks like the energy was routed from somewhere else to create an artificial hot spot right there." 

"So someone abducted Angel and Fred using a portal?" Cordelia asked. 

"I rather think the intent of the incident was somewhat different," Wesley said quietly. 

"So what do you think happened?" Xander asked. 

"Such a precise manipulation of the portal would require no little skill," Wesley replied. "And Fred is the foremost expert in portal mechanics." 

"You think the chit's responsible," Spike realized. 

"Fred?" Cordelia said skeptically. "She wouldn't kidnap Angel." 

"She would if she thought it was in his best interest." Wesley's voice sounded sad. 

"What would she think Angel needed protection from here?" Gunn asked in disbelief. 

"From us," Wesley replied. "She was protecting him from us. You all know Fred blamed us for Angel's current state of despair, and she was right. Undoubtedly she felt she could bring him back out of it if we weren't in the equation." 

"So what does that mean in terms of what do I have to do?" Spike asked impatiently. 

"We'll have to go back to Pylea, find Angel and provide him with a way back," Wesley said. 

"What makes you think he'll use it?" Spike asked. 

"He has to," Cordelia said. "I get visions, Angel has to take care of them. He promised, that means he'll do it, won't he?" 

_____________________________________________________________________________ 

"You want some?" Fred asked offering Angel some meat from the wild pig-thing she was roasting over their fire. 

"I already ate the part I need," Angel declined. "You know, every time I change it gets easier to control the demon. The first time here, I was barely even aware of what was happening, it was almost like loosing my soul. When I fought the Grooselog it was all I could do to force the beast back into its cage. Now, it's more like having it on a leash. I let it come to the surface, but it's never actually out of my control." 

"I told you you could do it," Fred told him warmly. "You just worry too much." 

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	5. Different Rules

gaining

**Different Rules**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

Seconds after the Plymouth had bounced to a stop in Pylea's sun filled meadows Spike scrambled out of the car, only to collapse in a heap a moment later. 

"For the love of…" Wesley exclaimed irritable. "I told you the sun can't hurt you here." 

Willow knelt beside Spike. Gently, she laid a hand on his shoulder and was shocked to find that he was shaking. "It's really okay. You're not burning or anything," she reassured him. 

As she leaned closer to the blond vampire, Willow began to make out words under his ragged panting. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Spike was practically crying. 

"Spike?" Willow's voice rose in concern. "Something's really wrong with him." She pulled him into a sitting position, forcing him to meet her eyes. "What's wrong?" She asked him. 

Wesley watched the vampire with a thoughtful frown while Cordelia fidgeted impatiently in the car. Xander and Gunn had been left in LA to deal with a case that had come up at the last minute. 

"Get it out of me!" Spike demanded in a panicked voice. 

"Get what out?" Willow asked. 

"Get it out!" Spike repeated clutching at his temples, digging his nails into the skin until blood was drawn. "Make it quit!" 

Willow grabbed his wrists and forced his hands down before he could do any further damage. 

"That's disgusting," Cordelia commented, wrinkling her nose at the bloody furrows Spike had clawed into his flesh. 

"We'll fix it," Willow promised and Spike collapsed into her arms sobbing. 

"Cecily, Richards, so many others, killed 'em, killed 'em all." He sobbed. "So many bodies, bloody, torn, pathetic bodies. Dru liked it when I make them scream for her, when the blood ran freely and made pictures for her." 

"What's wrong with him?" Willow asked, rocking Spike soothingly. 

"I have a theory," Wesley said. "In Pylea Angel could walk in the sun and see his reflection, but when he changed he became something totally inhuman, not only in appearance, in mind as well. What if there were equal mental changes in his human state? Do to the curse, it wouldn't have created an obvious change in his behavior." 

"You think Spike has a soul here?" Willow realized. 

"It seems to follow from what we've seen," Wesley said. 

"So what do we do with him?" Cordelia asked. "He's going to slow us down if he's going to keep acting like that." 

"We can leave him with the car," Wesley suggested. 

"No!" Willow exclaimed. "He might hurt himself. Look, I've got an idea." 

_____________________________________________________________________________ 

"There's something wrong with me," Angel said seriously. 

Fred's huge dark eyes filled with concern. 

"I guess the sun here isn't harmless after all," Angel continued. "I don't know how bad this is going to get, but I feel like I'm burning, even in the shade and my skin's slowly turning to dust." Angel gestured to the painfully red and peeling skin on his nose, cheeks and shoulders. 

Fred sighed with relief. "Angel do you remember what happened when you stayed outside too long as a kid?" she asked, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from giggling. 

Angel shook his head. Her reaction eased his fears; if Fred was laughing at him it couldn't be as serious as he'd believed it to be. 

"It won't get any worse," Fred promised. "You just go a little sunburned." 

Angel stared at his reddened skin for a few moments in the surface of a pool of water then looked back at Fred. "This is a sunburn?" he asked disbelievingly. 

"Uh-huh," Fred nodded, still fighting the giggles. 

"It's not fatal?" 

"Nope, course we should find you a hat or something," Fred replied. "Sunburn is extremely unpleasant." 

"I've got a sunburn," Angel said with a huge grin. "And it didn't involve bursting into flames." Fred, seeing that Angel wasn't worried anymore, gave in to her impending giggle-fit. 

"Do you think I could get a tan?" Angel asked hopefully and Fred simply howled with laughter. 

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	6. Wonder

gaining

**Wonder**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

As the foursome approached the castle Spike stared about himself with wonder. "This is truly enchanting," he commented in a soft, cultured voice. "Was that a real demon, with the violet flesh?" 

"Yep," Willow answered. Cordelia and Wesley just ignored the blond. 

"It's the Princess!" a human from the village exclaimed, pointing at Cordelia. 

"You're a Princess?" Spike asked in an awe-filled tone. 

"Here I am," Cordelia said smugly. 

"Your Majesty!" A familiar voice exclaimed and the group turned to see Landoc jogging toward them. "It is good that you've returned, Majesty." 

"How so?" Wesley asked. 

"If her Majesty would rule with the Grooselog I believe we could swing the Rebel forces into our camp," Landoc explained. 

"The Rebels?" Wesley asked. "I thought they'd disbanded after the humans here were freed." 

Landoc sighed. "Many humans still see the Grooselog as the Priests' tool. When her Majesty left they fled to the surrounding countryside and began living as bandits. In all honestly they had cause to fear. Some do not care for this new equality. I'm ashamed to admit it, but much of my clan fights with the Reactionaries to restore the Priests to power." 

"And yourself?" Wesley asked. 

"The Grooselog is a fierce warrior and a very honorable man. I stand with him," Landoc declared. "Unfortunately we also stand in the middle of a war zone and both our opponents have shown little regard of honorable conduct." 

Spike peered curiously at Landoc, "You're not human," he announced with a child-like delight. 

"What bizarre creature is that?" Landoc asked. 

"That's William. He's amnesiac-boy, just ignore him," Cordelia instructed dismissively. "We've been looking for Angel or Fred, have you seen them?" 

"You won't stay?" Landoc asked, disappointed. 

"Sorry," Cordelia replied. "This is just a quick errand." 

"Still your presence will be a blessing," Landoc said, brightening. "The Grooselog will send out people to search for Angel. While you wait we will attempted to begin talks with the Rebels. They will come with you here to oversee the summit." 

_____________________________________________________________________________ 

With a casual shrug Angel discarded his demon form. 

"Hiya," Fred greeted him. 

"We're going to need to relocate," Angel said handing her the carcass of a small animal he'd killed. "I saw several armed groups in the area." 

"After first sunset?" Fred asked. 

Angel nodded. "Which way should we go?" 

Fred considered the question. "North, I think. It's wilds. I could never stay there long before, couldn't get enough to eat without villages to steal from, but with you helping we'll be good." 

"I don't want to completely abandon civilization," Angel cautioned. "We haven't had time to work our way back, but Wesley, Cordelia and Gunn will come for us eventually. I don't want to make it too hard for them to find us." 

"Why not?" Fred asked. "You're happy here, you weren't there." 

"Here I've got complete control of the demon," Angel explained. "When it comes out, it come out completely… and I'm still the one in charge of what it does. It's a good feeling, but I've got a destiny in LA." 

"You used to say the demon was worse here," Fred pointed out. 

"I used to think that," Angel said. "Now I know better." 

"Maybe you're wrong about your destiny too." Fred said. "Maybe it's here, with me." 

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	7. Decide

Decide

Decide

** **

At Willow's shriek both Wesley and Cordelia came running.They skidded around the corner and into the room.

A demon, very like what Angel had turned into the last time they'd visited Pylea, struggled against the invisible bonds of Willow's magic."That's Spike!" Willow exclaimed."Oh goddess, that's Spike!"

Cordelia and Wesley exchanged a knowing glance."I'll inform the kitchens that he's ready for his meal," Wesley said.

A day later Wesley and Cordelia were a lot less smug in their greater experience with Pylea and it's effects on vampires.Spike was still in demon form.

"Perhaps it's your forgetfulness spell." Wesley suggested to Willow."He may not remember how to change back."

"I guess removing the spell couldn't make things worse," Willow said.

Two days later they were still waiting for Spike to change back.

"Take a look," Angel said to Fred in a soft whisper.

Curiously she peered through the foliage at the group; two humans and a demon; that Angel had spotted."Weird, they're together," Fred whispered back.

"I'm going to ask what they're looking for," Angel said.

"No," Fred hissed.

"They might be looking for us," Angel replied."And they would have brought more people if they wanted to fight."

Angel walked out into the clearing.Sulkily Fred followed him.

The little group started at the pair's abrupt appearance seemingly from nowhere.

"Can we help you?" Angel asked politely.

"Is that them?" The demon asked the human man.

"I only saw him once and I was more interested in looking at the Princess," he replied."Ask them."

"Why don't you ask them," the demon said crossly.

"This is stupid," the woman announced."Who are you guys?"

"I'm Angel, she's Fred," Angel introduced them."Who are you and what do you want?"

"Carol, the dynamic duo is Markum and Chell.Markum is the ugly one," the woman said.

"Hey!" the human male, presumably Markum, protested and the demon laughed.

"We're supposed to find you and take you back, the Princess requires your presence," Carol continued.

"Well you tell 'the Princess' to bug off," Fred announced.

"Fred," Angel reprimanded her quietly.

"They make everything a mess," Fred protested."We're happy here.If you go back they'll just make you miserable again."

"Fred, this is a dream; being here with you, I love it but LA is my real life.Reality is where the demon isn't fully under my control, where it isn't just you and I.Reality includes people I care about who don't trust me any more and people who I don't even know but who need to be saved.It has Wolfram and Hart and fights I just can't win," Angel said. "You saved me when you brought me here.I'd gotten to a point where all I could see was death and failure again.You pulled me back, gave me a place and time to heal.Now it's time to go home."

"I won't let you be hurt again," Fred said fiercely.

"I know," Angel replied."I promise I won't go back to the way things were.I can see what I have change now, I'll be okay."

"Well… alright," Fred agreed."But if they're mean again I'll just kidnap you back."


	8. Standards

Standards

Standards

** **

"Angel, hi!And Fred?I didn't actually meet you last time," Willow greeted the newly arrived pair while Cordelia and Wesley shifted uncomfortably in the background.

"Willow," Angel acknowledged her then turned his attention to Wesley and Cordelia."I assume you brought the car and a way to open the portal?" he asked.

Wesley nodded, bemused.

"That's it?" Cordelia asked.

"No," Angel replied."There are a few things I have to say, but they'll wait until we're back in LA.Gunn should hear them as well."

"About going back," Cordelia said."We've got finish up the peace conference first, it'll be a couple of days, maybe a week.You won't change your mind about coming home if we wait will you?"

"Plus there's Spike," Willow said. 

"What about Spike?" Angel asked suspiciously.

"I was thinking," Willow said."You've had first hand experience with Pylean vampirism, maybe you figure out why he can't un-Grrr?"

"Why should I?" Angel asked.

"Because he has a soul now," Willow said.

Angel sighed, "Explain the whole thing to me."

Later, after Willow and Wesley told him everything they'd determined about the situation Angel said, "There's something I can try, let go see Spike."

Willow led Angel to the way to the dungeon; Fred followed along but Wesley and Cordelia elected to stay behind. 

"I have a link with my childer," Angel explained."Spike is technically my grandchild, the link is weaker because of we're separated by a generation, but there's still a chance."

"A chance to do what?"Willow asked.

"I'll need someone to open the door for me," Angel said offering Fred the key.Once she took it he changed.Willow jumped away from Angel with a squeak.Fred stared at her contemptuously.

"Sorry," Willow said blushing.

Fred unlocked the cell door.As soon as it opened the beast Spike had become rushed it, trying to escape.Angel caught him by the throat and tossed him back into the cell.

Before Spike could retaliate Angel pinned him against the wall, growling authoritatively.Spike struggled for a moment then submitted.Puzzled he met Angel's eyes, then it was something more than mere eye contact.

With a painful slowness their green scales, ridged skulls and fangs melted away revealing the human countenance underneath.

"Angel, it hurts," Spike said pleadingly."Make it go away."

"I know," Angel said quietly."You'll learn to live with it."

"No, kill me, please," Spike begged.

Looking alarmed Willow began stammering a spell.

Angel watched in shock as the self-hatred in Spike's eyes softened to confused innocence.

"Um… hullo.I don't seem to recall…" Spike mumbled, blushing as he pulled away from Angel.

"What did you do to him?" Angel demanded of Willow.

"You heard him.He isn't like you; he can't deal with the memories, so I took them away," Willow protested.

"Willow, he should…" Angel began then noticed Spike staring at them with curious, child-like eyes.Angel grabbed Willow by the arm and led her a little ways down the hall."He killed people Willow.A lot of people, more than you could imagine, in ways that would make even your worst nightmares look like paradise by comparison.He has a soul now, and it's right that it hurts him," he said in a tense whisper.

"You didn't see him," Willow argued."When we first got here, he was screaming and clawing at his skin, it was horrible.It would have been inhuman to leave him like that."

"Tell it to the Rom," Angel replied.

"It's not the same," Willow protested."You deal, he can't."

"No Willow, I didn't deal," Angel said."I screamed and cried and pled for help or just an end to my misery.I tried to be a vampire because I'd forgotten how to be anything else but I couldn't be that either.I fed off rats and felt guilty even for that, because I thought they had more of a right to exist than I did.Eventually Whistler taught me how to live with the pain.He showed me a world beyond my self-hatred; a way to make a difference, to make amends.I was resouled for the first time almost a century ago, just because you didn't see me adjusting doesn't mean it didn't happen.I can help Spike adjust, he won't be left wandering for decades feeling like less than nothing because he can't belong to either world, but he to go through the pain.He did all those things, torture by remorse is nothing more than his victims deserve from him."

"Alright," Willow sighed."It's just hard to stand by and watch him suffer."

Irritably Angel stalked back toward the cell muttering."What is it with everyone?'We've got to help Harmony.Can't you see how miserable she is?''Oh we can't leave poor Spike hurting.'But when it comes to me, the one vampire who is actually trying, for almost eight years now, I might add, to be a good person, it's always 'Deal with it Angel.' 'Don't brood Angel, it bores us.' And when I actually do it's 'Are you sure you're not too happy Angel?' I've had with this, with them, I really have."


	9. Homecoming

Homecoming

Homecoming

** **

"I'm not going back," Spike said.Willow had never seen the blond vampire look worse.His eyes were red and he looked exhausted, as if grief and guilt were burning all semblance of life out of him.He'd spent most of the week while Groo's peace talks finished up either alone in his room or talking with Angel.

"What do mean you're not coming back?" Willow demanded."You've gotta come back.You can't even change back from the beast here without Angel's help.How can you stay here?"

"If I go back I loose my soul," Spike replied."I'm not Angel, my soul is only here because in Pylea vampires reflect in mirror, can get tans and have souls.When I leave here I'll go back to what I was."

"But… that's good right?" Willow said in confusion."I mean you're basically a good-guy anyway because of the chip and you won't be all hiding in your room crying anymore…"
    
    "The night I was changed I told Cecily I might have been a bad poet, but I was still a good man," Spike interrupted."I loved her you know, practically worshiped her, she was my muse, my goddess, my everything.I was nothing to her.The human I had been ran off in despair when she told me that.I found Drucilla, or she found me, she promised me something glowing and glistening, something effulgent, and she took away my soul.Cecily died at my hands but only after hours of begging me for mercy.Without my soul I am not a good person Willow, don't ever think otherwise."
    
     
    
    "But you help," Willow said frowning."The chip just stops you from hurting people, it doesn't make you help us."
    
     
    
    "I hate being alone," Spike said."To give you a clue how much I hate it, realize I played twenty questions with Harmony, trust me the sex wasn't anywhere near that good.I've learned to need violence; funny I couldn't even talk about it in the old days.Demons are my only outlet with the chip.I'm on your side by default, and that limits my choice of friends."
    
     
    
    "And then there's Buffy, you know I want her," Spike continued."I know she'll never want me.The best I can hope for is for her to tolerate having me around, and I'll take what ever I can get.When it comes love I've never had any pride.If I ever got rid of the chip the first thing I'd do would be to turn her.She wouldn't be Buffy, but like I said, I'll take what I can get; you remember my robot don't you?If she were a vampire I'd have a chance with her.And don't think I couldn't turn her.Sure she's kicked my ass more times than I can count, but now she trusts me.She shouldn't, none of you should.I help because it's the best option I've got right now, if something better comes along, don't expect me to even hesitate."
    
     
    
    "I could curse you when we get back," Willow offered.
    
     
    
    "Please," Spike replied."And whatever I say I want once we're back there, remember that's the demon talking, not me.I was a good person once.I never wanted this.Never even dreamed I could become a murder."
    
     
    
    "I'll do it, I promise," Willow said."Now let's get to the car, they won't wait forever for us."
    
     
    
    With Willow and Fred combining their expertise the car drove smoothly from Pylea directly to Angel's garage in the back of the hotel.
    
     
    
    "About cursing me…" Spike began.Willow made a quick gesture and Spike's mouth continued moving but the sound was turned off.After scowling at her for a few seconds Spike tried to run off, but was prevented by Willow's magic.Silently sulking Spike stopped fighting her and followed the others into the hotel.
    
     
    
    "What's with man-handling Spike?" Cordelia asked in a vaguely curious tone.
    
     
    
    "Before his soul went away Spike reminded me of what a soulless vampire is," Willow replied."I don't want to deal with him until he's got a conscious again.He's too good at acting human."
    
     
    
    "You're all back," Xander greeted them when they entered the hotel proper."It's about time, we were thinking about sending in the cavalry."
    
     
    
    "My duties as Pylean royalty took some time to attend to," Cordelia informed him.
    
     
    
    Xander rolled his eyes, then took a second, longer look at Angel."Okay, in Pylea Cordy's royalty and Angel got a tan?I'm glad I didn't go, cause that's just wrong."
    
     
    
    "Nice to see you too," Angel said."Willow, Xander would you excuse us for a moment?"
    
     
    
    "We'd better be getting back to Sunnydale anyway," Willow said.
    
     
    
    Once the door closed behind the trio from Sunnydale Angel turned to the others.Quietly Fred slid closer to him, making it clear who she stood with in the coming discussion.
    
     
    
    "I'm going to be looking for a way to make my soul permanent," Angel announced."I think the last few months proved I can't go on like I had been.This time I'm taking control of my life, and the first step to doing that is making sure that I'll always be in control of the demon."
    
     
    
    "That's excellent Angel," Wesley replied, somewhat confused by Angel's choice of topics."We all wish you the best of luck."
    
     
    
    "There's more," Angel said calmly."Fred's too deeply involved and too good at this stuff to walk away from what she's learned.She belongs with us.Stop fighting it and hire her."
    
     
    
    "Angel you can't just…" Wesley began in an 'I'm the boss here' tone.
    
     
    
    Angel interrupted, his voice soft and dangerous."When I came back I didn't ask to be in charge because I wanted to show you I understood that I can get obsessed sometimes and I wanted you guys to feel that you had the authority to check me if I lost perspective again.I didn't do it so that Wes could climb back up on that high horse that got knocked out from under him back in Sunnydale.Or so that you could treat me like dirt."
    
     
    
    "I screwed up after Darla was turned," Angel continued."I think that's been thoroughly acknowledged, but I wasn't wrong to want to help her in the first place; I won't ever apologize for trying to help someone who is in pain.As for the rest; I've paid for that particular transgression.It's time to move on; I'm done apologizing for it and I'm done with playing games."
    
     
    
    "At first I would have done anything you asked to win you back as friends, but no matter how completely I gave in to your wishes I never got you to treat me as a friend again.After Buffy died…" Angel's voice caught slightly as he forced himself to say that. "I was on autopilot for a long time after that.I let you make a lot of decision for me because I couldn't see beyond her loss, but I'm better now.It was time to let me have my life back, instead you went back to punishing me for Darla as soon as you were sure I wasn't suicidal.If you're my friends act like it.If not, all you are is my co-workers and I expect you to remember that and stay the hell out of the rest of my life.Either way I'm done with letting you walk all over me, is that understood?"
    
     


	10. Coffee

Coffee

Coffee

** **

"Angel would you get me some coffee?" Wesley asked offhandedly.

"No," Angel replied in a similar tone.

"Angel," Wesley's voice took on a warning edge.

Fred frowned in irritation when Angel got up and headed for the kitchen, but when he returned her expression transmuted into one of puzzlement; the mug Angel was carrying had beads of condensation on the sides, indicating a cold liquid rather than a hot one.

Suddenly Fred remembered the mug of coffee she'd found hidden in the back of the refrigerator that morning and she smiled broadly.

Angel calmly walked up to Wesley and dumped the mug of chilled coffee over the ex-Watcher's head.Then went back to his card table and sat down.

Sputtering inarticulately in outrage Wesley jumped to his feet and stalked over to Angel.

"Please don't drip on me," Angel requested mildly.

"Angel!You!Angel!" Wesley managed to stammer.

Angel glanced up at Wesley then across the room to include Cordelia and Gunn as well."I thought I made it clear the other day; when it comes to this sort of game, I'm not playing by the old rules anymore."


End file.
